moon phases |
neil gaiman, parliament of rooks
| adopt your own virtual pet! |
* acero
* lesley
* tiopepe's words
* tiopepe's feeks
* zee anjel
* mimi's clickclickan
* sanitylane
* cwiff
* freeway
* maoi
* nikker
* ira
* dreamcatcher
* xbwizit
* xkwzt
* lauren
* muy bella lucia
* fey lip hey
* shiro
* shiro again
* shiko-chan
* garapata
* joe
* chichacornkernels
* muffin's art
* peyups
* tristan cafe
* lord mel's forum
* hifi
* walking home drunk
* magic 8-ball
* annoy the man
* grams' addiction
* gaiman
* post secret
* swamp thing
* mousecircus
* roman dirge
* spookyland
* cranky old men
* liquid generation
* makezine
* how stuff works
* prairie ghosts
* fark
* conspiracy archive
* snopes
* flak
* waiwai
* bibliomania
* straightdope
* josh cagan
* firewomyn
* sea camel
* belle de jour
* oh no the blog!
* crime library
TAG! YOU'RE IT!
Powered by TagBoard Message Board
much thanks to...* francey design
* blogger
* photobucket
* haloscan
Handle with care
***
the question is if it should be handled at all. med calls it the career development plan. i think i should just avoid the whole thing altogether. too messy. too awkward. too damned risky. and don't give me the whole, "how will you know if you don't take the chance?" shite, because this is not the kind of thing you fool around with. if you mess up, there is no way you can reload and start all over from the last saved moment. shit like that only happens in rpgs, not real life.
am tempted, though. so very much.
***
bulletstrat graduating highschool today. wahoo, wahoo. congratulations.
***
little baby raya's preggers. i'm going to be a (grand)mommy!
***
you'd think after a week or so of not posting, i'd have more kwento. i'm sure i do, somewhere inside of me. unfortunately, i can't seem to reach out for any of them. no kwentos! NADA! arghk.
***
still waiting for happy memories from people. email, email, email.
Sunday, March 21, 2004
they're gettingmarriedhavingchildrenassumingresponsibilitiesbecomingsomeoneelse, just plain changing. and even though it's understandable - expected, even- it doesn't make the transition easier to deal with.
things don't stay the same. i know that. practically grew up with that fact. you'd think i'd be used to the fact the people simply don't stay.
it's just a bitch to deal with sometimes, i guess.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Sunday, March 14, 2004
***
i met him summer of '96, frosh year, second sem, state u. i was drinking with van, his younger brother when trouble broke out among the frat boys, and so, due to lack of resources and gimmick, i decided to accept my friend's invite and crash his birthday party. initially, i was a bit hesitant to (diyahe eh, and i didn't know anyone there pa), but when van told me that an old friend from cebu who i hadn't seen in ages was going to be there to, i said, sure, why not? after all, the beer was free, and if it wasn't going to be my cup of tea, well, i could always bully van into bringing me home. so off we went.
we arrived at their place, someone handed me a beer, and i sat down with my friends off a ways from the main table. i spotted jet, my cebuano friend, waved her over, and after a while, introductions were being made left and right. i smiled, made small talk, and noticed with a slightly raised eyebrow an idiot who was pole dancing with a coconut tree in front of an extremely entertained (and ever so slightly inebriated) audience. strange people, i thought to myself.
"you okay?" van asked. i looked over to the coconut tree dancer again, and i saw that he had abandoned his tree and was trying to feed a little brown duck instead.
"of course i am."
"you look like my cousin, van's sister!" someone bellowed drunkenly to my right. i turned and saw a serious looking man, slightly flushed from drink, shambling towards our group.
strange people, i thought again. i smiled sweetly. "hardly. i'm chuck."
"no, you're not. you're my cousin."
"uh. like i said. i'm chuck. your cousin just went to bed."
"are you sure?" he gazed at me owlishly. "you really really look like my cousin."
"kulit mo naman, kuya steve, ina went to bed na," van protested. "sorry," he apologized to me in a whisper after steve hopped to another table. "that's my cousin. he gets a bit weird at times, but don't worry, it doesn't run in the family."
"heyheyhey, you're stealing my guests," a new voice butted in. it was the coconut-tree dancer. so much for weirdness not running in the blood. "that's not allowed. it's my birthday party, not yours." he smiled at me and held out his hand. "hi."
he had a nice handshake, firm and authoritative. "chuck. happy birthday. thanks for the beer."
"no prob. chuck? you look like a sunshine. i'm calling you sunshine, and you can't argue with me cause it's my birthday. now can you please join us at the main table so people will stop leaving?"
you have to understand, he wasn't particularly good looking. in a still crowd, i wouldn't have noticed him. what initially attracted me was the way he carried himself, confident and arrogant, but with enough self-depracating wry humor that kept him from being a total snob. he was smart, too, not in the bookish sort of way, but in the i-could-talk-to-you-all-day-and-not-run-out-of-things-to-say way. coupled with the oh-so-irresistable fact that he had bad boy written all over him, i fell right then and there.
the party progressed. van, my ride home, got drunk, and as i helped him throw up in the bushes, i panicked a bit. with the exception of jet (who lived waaay across town from me), i didn't know anyone else, and i didn't know how to commut. sure, i met a lot of people, but they were practically stangers. i mean, really.
"goddammit, van, couldn't you have hurled in the bathroom?" he complained when we went back to the table. 'that shit's going to stink."
van mumbled something in reply and lurched off. images of me flagging down a cab at 2 in the morning in the middle of god knew where filled my mind, and i jumped up, looking for jet. to hell with kapal mukha, there was no way i was commuting.
"what's wrong?" he asked.
"i have to find jet and ask her for a ride home. it's getting late, my dad's going to kill me."
"let me guess. van offered to play driver."
"you got it."
"stupid brother. hey, no worries. i can bring you home."
nice offer. totally unplanned. totally unfished for. i gave myself a mental pat on the back for walking right into that one. "are you sure?" i asked, trying to sound reluctant. "it's pretty far. and you can't leave your own birthday party."
he waved my protests aside. "like i said, sunshine, don't worry about it. everyone's so drunk, they wouldn't notice it if i left. besides, i feel kinda responsible, with van being my brother, and him bailing out on you and all."
"are you absolutely sure? i really don't want to-"
he cut me off, laughing. "one more pakipot remark like that and i'll ask kuya steve to bring you home."
i made a face. "alright. if you put it that way. let me just say bye to jet, okay?"
it didn't take me long to find her and to say my goodbyes. she asked for my number, and when i ruffled through my wallet to give her my card, i mistakenly took out two. being too lazy to put it back, and not wanting to crumple it by putting it in the back pocket of my jeans, i decided to simply hold it to it.
"hey, sunshine, ready to go home?" he asked when i went back to where he sat. i nodded, and we walked to his car together, with two of his cousins (navigators in case he got lost, he explained) behind us.
i can no longer remember what we were talking about during the ride home. all i know is that it was good, we were laughing, and not once were there any awkward silences or pauses. until the time we entered my village and we neared my house, when he broke off from what he was saying, cleared his throat, and went, "would you mind if i asked you for your number?"
i smiled, a little smile, and silently handed him my calling card, the one i'd been holding since earlier because i was too much of a bum to put it back in my waller. he took it, looked at it quietly for a while, then suddenly, burst out laughing. "oh, you're good. very very good. you knew i was going to ask you for your number, didn't you?"
"of course not. i took one out by mistake earlier, and didn't bother putting it back," i sniffed.
"yeah, right. seriously. what gave me away?"
"i'm serious."
he met my square gaze briefly, like he was figuring something out. then he nodded. "you know, i actually believe you," he said as i was getting out of the car.
"that's good. happy birthday again. and thanks for the ride home. you really didn't have to."
"of course i did. thanks for coming to my birthday party. it was great meeting you." he grinned, and then held up the card. "hey sunshine, you know what this is?" i opened my mouth to answer, but he went on, not letting me get a single word out. "it's a sign. for real. i'll see you around."
***
that's how it started, more than eight years ago. sounds good, doesn't it, the kind of story you tell your kids when they ask how you and daddy met?
not quite.
the summer of '96 was ours, it was golden, and the album jagged little pill by alanis was its soundtrack. even till now, my memories of that time are so vivid, so sharp, all i have to is close my eyes, put on the album, and it's like i'm there again. pest says that was the time i turned stranger on him, when i became someone else who looked like chuck, talked like chuck, but neither acted nor thought like chuck. most of the people who knew me then tend to agree. in fact, none of my friends liked him, but they kept their opinions to themselves. it was pest who told me with characteristic bluntness, "i know you're going out with him. stop lying to me. and i know what you're doing. do you realize people are saying shit about you behind your back?"
so what? people are always saying shit, even if it's not true. you're just acting like a jealous ex-boyfriend, i sniped back at him nastily.
"that's not the point. look, chuck, it's your life, and god knows you don't have to answer to me anymore. i just want you to know, he's no good. never has been, never will be. are you listening to me? he's bad news, and he'll drag you down with him."
but of course, at that time, i didn't care. part of me knew i was spiralling out of control, but it felt so good. life with him was one rush after another, and i didn't want to let it go.
***
eventually, i did. things didn't stay rosy for long. soon, stories of other girls, the blatant "hey-baby-i-missed-you-so-much" messages on his pager, his constant stream of excuses got to me, calls left unanswered, messages ignored. i finally walked. still, i never really left. on and off, unofficially and otherwise, we were together for around 5 years. that's a lot longer than i've been with anyone else in my entire life. he was the drug i couldn't bring myself to quit, yknow? and even though i knew it was stupid, there was always a little spark of hope within me that told me that even though this bull couldn't be tamed, maybe one day it'd wake up one day and stay for keeps. so time after time, i'd get back in the ring, only to be gored over and over again. but there's a time limit on stupidity, too, yknow, and eventually, you learn your lesson, and you walk away for keeps. i erased his number, and i changed mine. he'd been my downfall for way too long, and i was tired. if he couldn't make the effort to keep me, there was no way in hell he deserved to have me there.
it took him six months to notice i was gone, and a year before he actually made the effort to get me back. i gave a friend my old sim number, and one day, he started complaining about all these strange "baby-i-miss-you-i'm-sorry-i'll-prove-it" messages. i knew it was him. it had to be. and it felt good, in a vengeful petty way. hey, asshole, how's it feel? how sorry are you now? the best part was, i no longer cared. i mean, i still had feelings for him and everything, but i no longer felt the need to be there with him. and that was the most beautiful feeling in the world.
that day, i soared, and my soul sang of freedom.
***
hang on. kwento not over. wanna know what happened saturday night?
i'm in bed, watching tv, snuggling under the sheets. it's 930ish. not quite beddybye time, but i was relaxing. it was my weekend.
phone rings. it's him. you know how i've mentioned the fact that we've been texting lately? well, last week, he invites me for coffee, and i replied with a we'll-see-i'll-call-you-on-saturday-to-confirm kind of hazy answer.
i answer.
him : "are we on for coffee? i'm around an hour away from eastwood."
me : "uh...i can't."
him : "why not?"
me : "cause i don't have a car. and i've been feeling achy for the past few days. i just don't feel well. raincheck nalang."
him : "oh, that sucks. you at home? alright, get some rest. talk to you soon."
forty five minutes later, the phone rings. it's him again. "knock knock."
"who's there?" i automatically reply.
"me. at your front door. i brought coffee."
i go to the door in my jammies, and lo and behold, he was standing there, just as he said. my jaw drops. he laughs. if a phone call from him unsettles me to the point of nausea, just imagine what the sight of him at my front door did.
"what are you doing here?"
"you said you couldn't go out for coffee. so i brought the coffee to you. got you the xtea, though, i know how brewed can sometimes unsettle your stomach. thought we could just hang here in the garden and talk. it's been a while."
"oh, it has? i haven't noticed."
***
so we talked. caught up. it was nice, i guess, but i felt a bit awkward at first. i couldn't be comfortable with him anymore the same way i used to be. even though part of me want to be able to relax around him, to be the way i am around my friends, around heart, i can't. there's still that sense of, oh, this is just another game, keep your defenses up thing. paranoid much? maybe. five years of playing the martyr can do that to someone, i've heard.
he didn't stay long, an hour or so maybe. i walked him to the gate. he kissed me on the cheek. "it was nice seeing you again."
"drive carefully," i said.
i got into the house and listened to his car drive away. and then i went to bed and went to sleep.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
***
you know what i hate about not having net access during shift? everything i feel like writing then tends to get forgotten by the time i get home. i wanted to rant about this self-centered kapal-mukha'ng ditz who annoyed me to no end, but the steam is gone.
and screw it, i can't even stay awake. :(
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
boss light has resigned. :( he did his walk of fame earlier. was very sad.
she-hulk still on rampage. beware the cutie green giant.
sanity's deliriously happy. hahahahaha. parang highschool, i swear. and i should know, i've specialized in highschool kilig-icity, as sanity can testify to. which makes his situation all the more deliciously amusing.
woogy still in icu. no word yet how soon i can get my car back.
and finally, that strange little man who tells me how nice my hair smells is freaking me out again.
my tita (who's an anesthesiologist, so i guess she knows what she's doing, right?) gave me a flu shot last sunday. she was also supposed to give me my varicella shot (i've never had chicken pox, can you believe that?!?), but we didn't have extra syringes lying about (thank the good lord), but after one shot (i was screaming like a gutted pig, it was almost embarassing), she decided to spare me the agony, so that's scheduled for next week.
i'm not exactly what you'd call the uber queasy type, but there's just something about needles that makes my skin crawl. plus the fact that it's fucking painful too just adds to the whole "please, god, nooooo!!!" aspect of it.
am sooo dreading the next shot. :(
Friday, March 05, 2004
it's so nice being online. :) i really have no talent whatsoever at paint. the colors are pretty, though.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
disney's doing narnia!!!
i can't wait!!! at the rate the days are flying by so quickly, christmas05's just around the corner!!!
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
*whispers* i have internet for tonight's shift. oh bliss, oh joy. :)
they got rid of my net access at work.
friggin' a!
ah, crud. it was bound to happen. i don't like it, but i understand why they had to do it.
but, damn, it's fucking boring. i have my coloring book, but really, the fun there gets old really really really fast. no use bringing a book, work gets in the way, and i'm the kind who gets annoyed when interrupted while reading. crosswords aren't my thing, and there's no way in hell i'm going to take up something like cross stitching or knitting during shift.
oh, bother. *sigh*
three more shifts till weekend!!!
***
Scorpio: It's difficult to maintain perspective as thoughts the size of molehills turn into philosophical mountains. You have one foot in the illusions of here and now; the other foot is in your very real beliefs about your future. And the two may not exactly match up. The way through this little dilemma is via communication. This doesn't need to be a major problem, just a readjustment. Observe a place in your life where you've built up fear and open that up for discussion. If you have the courage to talk about your feelings, the path into your future will open up.
***
you know why i like horoscopes so much? i like the whole omg, that's so right on! aspect of it when it applies to you, and the whole this is absolute rubbish when it doesn't. :) i'm neither the glass-is-half-empty nor the-glass-is-half-full kind of person. basta may laman, is all that counts. :D
Monday, March 01, 2004
we talked of heaven and beaches and little inconsequential things. he was nice. sweet, even. and of course, the fact that he was kinda cute didn't hurt, either.
it was nice, the whole chatting thing with a total stranger who wasn't a freak. it was one of those perfect conversations wherein you share enough to keep the other interested, but nothing too majorly personal.
no, i wasn't flirting. my dad was beside me. quite frankly, my reaction to the whole cute-guy-talking-to-me was oddly very un-chuck. i couldn't look at him in the eye, and i felt painfully shy and demure, two things i have never ever been in my entire life. don't ask. i wouldn't be able to explain why.
before he left, he smiled at me, said the expected "nice to meet you" and "take care", and then handed me a slip of paper with his number written on it with his full name and a happy face.
no, i haven't texted him. or called. or given him my number in any way or form. why risk ruining things by actually getting to know him?