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poison
Friday, October 29, 2004
A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, whom you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK...and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone... and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to take things personally. You learn that God/dess isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and God/dess by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
End.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
graham colton band
Saturday, October 23, 2004
the next time i feel uber bored with my life, and you just so happen to be the unfortunate fool with me at that partick moment, kindly take away my credit card and whatever cash i have on hand, and tell me horror stories about mutant hair stylists who've made a pact with the devil.
my hair is gone.
i've maxed out my card.
i am the proud owner of a million and a half items of useless girly crap.
realization has set in.
OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE???
Friday, October 22, 2004
don't get me wrong. i like words. god knows i use more than my share of them in a day. and i can very easily fall for eloquence, provided it was delivered with enough wit and panache.
but if the eloquence is overcooked and reheated mush served on a bed of even more mush, with a side order of more of the same, fuhgedaboudit.
there's something very suspicious about sweet talk, yknow? tell me i'm perfect, i'd probably agree with you, but tell me how your day isn't complete without talking to me, i'd cringe. ask me to inspire you, i'd pack my bags and head for the hills.
i realize that men will say anything to get into a girl's skivvies, and that i should just shrug this off as an attempt to, but it's freaking me out. honestly. when will men ever realize that it takes more than sugarcoated sweet nothings to impress a girl? the boy says my heart is hard to satisfy, and maybe it is, but i'm thinking, a true knight could sweep me off without even trying. of course, in this day and age, the only remaining knights out there are either gay, taken, or both, so more likely than not, i'm going to be single for a long time. not that's so much of a problem, because i'd like to think i can slay my own dragons thankyouverymuch (or, in the event i refuse to ruin my shoes in doing so, run to daddy and the boys to squoosh them for me). granted, it's bound to suck at one point or another, but considering that the alternative is dealing with princes and pansies, i'll take singlehood please.
sanity's name should be in the credits. hmph. but still. am oh so very proud of my boy. awesome awesome job!!!
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
i'm so loving the fact that it matches my phoenix! wanted it to be blue unta, but it looks better in black, so i'll be keeping it that way.
juan.p's mostly concerned about me, big brother that he is, because he thinks i'm getting myself in a position where i could get hurt (i'm so sure grams thinks this sounds familiar - he's been predicting a train wreck for god knows how long). and it's touching, it really is, except that i don't think i'm the one who's going to get wrecked here, not really.
i want this. for the moment. and i'm getting it. but i know myself enough to say, this won't last. and when it ends, like it's bound to, sooner if not later, i'll move on, bouncing from one distraction to another, looking for the next sparklywarkly thing to catch my eye.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
and you think, today is the day. today i will spoil myself, be good to myself, be happy about every single blessed thing i have. because, honestly, if you can't be good to yourself, who will?
so you go through your daily routine with a song in your heart and a bounce in your step, sparkling all the way.
i love days like these.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
and i'm thinking to myself, WAITASECOND!!! this is grown up shite! are you sure you're talking to the right girl?!?
responsibility and the chuck do not mix. do you hear that roar in the distance? that, my friend, is the sound of everyone going "hell, no!" at the possibility of me taking on any form of responsibility whatsoever. bad juju, that's what it is. bad baaad juju.
but the boss is insisting i handle this account, and he's the one who makes sure i get paid, so here i go. i just want everyone to know that i'm fighting this growing up crap kicking and screaming along the way.
p.s. the boy, on the other hand, is quite comfortable with the idea of growing up. that's a bit scary.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
watch out!
on an interesting note, both of my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers. coupled with the fact that i don't seem to have maternity leave...is the world TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT MY GENDER?!?
here's a consuelo de bobo though...at least i'm still human. thanks to cwiff for the quiz.
no wonder grams thinks i'm a trainwreck about to happen. but when you're speedballing along at a hundred gajillion miles per second, it feels so good, the last thing you really want is to pull on the brakes.
***
hey there here i am i'm the man on the scene i can give you what you want but you got to come home with me i forgot some good old lovin' & i got some more in store when i get to thrown it on you you got to come back for more toys & things that come by the dozen that ain't nothin' but drug store lovin' hey little thing let me light your candle 'cause mama i'm sure hard to handle now gets around action speaks louder than words & i'm a man of great experience i know you got another man but i can love you better than him take my hand don't be afraid i'm gonna prove every word i say i'm advertisin' love for free so you can place your ad with me once it come along a dime by the dozen that ain't nothin' but ten cent lovin' hey little thing let me light your candle 'cause mama i'm sure hard to handle now gets around yeah hard to handle now oh baby baby here i am the man on your scene i can give you what you want but you got to come home with me i forgot some good old lovin' & i got some more in store when i get to thrown it on you you got to come runnin' back for more once it come along a dime by the dozen that ain't nothin' but drug store lovin' hey little thing let me light your candle 'cause mama i'm sure hard to handle now gets around hard hard to handle now oh yeah yeah yeah yeah once it come along a dime by the dozen that ain't nothin' but ten cent lovin' hey little babe let me light your candle 'cause mama i'm sure hard to handle now gets around yeah so hard to handle now oh yeah baby good lovin' baby baby good lovin' i need good lovin' i got to have oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so hard to handle now yeah
otis redding
Monday, October 04, 2004
my back hurts.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
right. who wants my nuts?
I SPY BEA MAKING SUBO HER KAMAY!
gedemit. they sure start talking that way early, don't they?
ah, who am i to bitch? i can't speak fluent tagalog to save my life, so there are actually moments when i do talk like that too, much to the utter disgust of my people.
Friday, October 01, 2004