<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v191/tsaki/523f197b.bmp">

things i have learned recently: must hold on to one's own balls. dignity very very very important. ranting and raving is all good, and a dose of pining may add a teensy weensy bit of drama, but you can't make someone love you if they don't (yes, it's a song, but it's true) and you can't ask them to make you a priority in their life if they can't be bothered to treat you as such (what, you think nagging and moping will change that? hardly.). to do so otherwise just makes you look terribly pathetic in the process and strips you of all self respect whatsoever. HAVE SOME DIGNITY, for the love of pete. get sad, get mad, just move on already. you really have to love yourself more than that.

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/27/2005 01:01:00 PM

Saturday, September 17, 2005

a person's gotta hold on to anger sometimes. normally, i'd say something like let go, get over it already, but not this time, not when the slightest loosening of grip on rage means feeling sad and crying like the world's biggest sap all over again.

fuck it all. no reason. no reason at all. goddamn the heart that feels, is all i can say. and now, another reason for me to say ayoko na, to want to shut down, to just fucking retreat and disappear and stop feeling altogether.

goddamnitall.

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/17/2005 02:46:00 PM

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

yet another reason why i love cwiff so much. bless his heart.

***posted without permission, so you can find the link here***

TURKISH DELIGHT

2 c sugar
1/2 c cornstarch
1 1/2 c water
1/2 ts cream of tartar
2 tb rosewater OR one of the following to taste:
1/2 ts rose food flavoring
1/4 c fruit juice
1 tb vanilla extract
1 tb orange extract
1 tb Creme de menthe liqueur
Food coloring (optional)
1/2 c chopped toasted pistachios or almonds (optional)
confectioner's sugar, granulated sugar, or desiccated coconut for dusting
1 c equals 250 ml

Combine sugar, 1 c water, cream of tartar, and flavoring(s) in a small saucepan and bring to a boil. In a separate bowl, combine cornstarch with remaining water, mix completely, and slowly stir into sugar mixture. Boil over medium-low heat for 20-30 minutes, until the mixture reaches "Firm-ball stage," or 245ºF (120ºC) on a candy thermometer. Apply non-stick cooking spray to a form (ice cube trays will do nicely), shallow pie pan, or jelly-roll pan. Pour the hot mixture into the pan or form and allow to set. When cool, release from form or cut into cubes as applicable and roll each piece in powdered sugar, granulated sugar, or coconut.

Store at room temperature in airtight container.

Note: with the exception of the sugar, cornstarch, water, cream of tartar, and cooking technique, this recipe may be greatly altered according to taste and/or occasion.

***

yet another excuse for me to remain a heifer. hay nako. i'm still working on the whole losing weight by christmas, though.

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/14/2005 03:56:00 PM

this sun will always shine.

god bless cwiff and shiro who helped pull me out of the funk i've been in and found me my southern comfort.

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/14/2005 03:39:00 PM

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

fuckitalltohell.

ayoko na. i'm emotionally spent and i swear to god all it's going to take these days is the shadow of that last straw to fall on my back for me to break down. i'm sick and tired of having to deal with shit that really should have nothing to do with me. i'm taking a step back, shutting down. see ya when i see ya.

DON'T EXPECT ME TO GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE I JUST DON'T CARE.

***

little brokenfanged snake crawling about in the grass, rearing up only when the big boys come out to play and hiding himself in their midst. little noisy one who refuses to see beyond his own nose, who believes with unshakeable certainty that only he speak's god's own truth despite every evidence to the contrary. little annoying piece of turd that destroys all that is good and sweet and simple, politicizing everything, and gloating with undisguised glee when he feels others get their comeuppance.

it's not always personal, dumbass. get over yourself already.

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/13/2005 12:46:00 PM

Monday, September 12, 2005

...that's my girl...

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/12/2005 02:27:00 PM

a friend of mine once told me that people like he and i were destined to never settle down. of course, since this was the same friend who tried to convince me that i was lesbian material (i just had to open my mind to that possibility, kuno), i went pshaw and called him an idiot. me? never settle down? what the hey? hadn't i settled down often enough, serial monogamist that i was?

i'm not feeling very pshawish at the moment, though.

don't get me wrong. i'm not straying. i'm not even entertaining the thought of it. and i know i can commit. it's just...i also know i can eat raw snails, but you don't see me rushing off to do so, do you? not that i'm saying being one half of a couple is akin to eating raw snails. it's not as slimy, for one (unless you engage in whatever strange slimefilled games that rock your boat, but that's your business, not mine). it's actually quite nice, most of the time (coupledom, that is).

i just don't think i'm cut out to handle it in the long run. it doesn't matter how much i love the guy -- sooner or later, my selfishness and aversion to being tied down is going to kick in, and when that happens, screw anyone or anything that gets in the way of me and my freedom. and it's horrible. people get hurt that way. people you care about and don't want to feel bad. people who have done nothing but be there for you to provide all the love and support that they could give just to help you through the dark times.

god, i feel like crap.

maybe this is just a phase. maybe i'm just tired of trying to keep everything together that the last thing i need is to take care of someone else. maybe i've just been so overwhelmed with the sudden changes in my role as daddy's girl that i can't focus on things like relationships and being a good girlfriend. maybe i just need to step back and not think about what a total bounder i am for not being able to give him the attention and affection he deserves.

maybe, maybe, maybe.

maybe i should have known better in the first place to think this was something i was ready for.

and the most guilt-inducing bit? he understands how it's all about daddy now, and how i couldn't prioritize our relationship because i'm giving 100% to my dad. he understands, and he's not bitching, he's not complaining, he's not giving me a hard time.

he deserves so much more than me. he really does.

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/12/2005 02:16:00 PM

Thursday, September 08, 2005

the faux player has lost my number. oh boo hoo. i'm so sad. no wonder he's not callingtextingbugging me anymore.

isn't that just so TRAGIC?!?

*teehee*

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/08/2005 09:31:00 AM

too...
much...
family...
can't...
breathe...

*plop*

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/08/2005 08:49:00 AM

there is no such thing as fair.

no one is going to give you a gold star.

do what you have to do.

take it one step at a time.

forget the big picture.

see above statement about fair.

WHAT WILL YOU REGRET WHEN THIS ALL ENDS?

it's funny how, when you stop struggling and kicking and screaming and finally learn to accept things for how they really are, your priorities become all so clear.

much thanks to the great poobah and the unicorn for the light.

***

resigned several nights ago. was kinda sad. i hated the feeling of clearing out my pedestal at work and saying goodbye to everyone.

i know my priorities, don't get me wrong. doesn't mean i'm happyhappyjoyjoy about everything i have to do.

and i couldn't help thinking, this was it. the culmination of three years with the company. i put so much of myself into that job, and i carted away that entire career in an armful of folders and papers and stuff.

like it was said on oprah (i don't really watch oprah, but i particularly liked this one statement), your life doesn't end. it just alters. this is just another alteration. and it's not like it's goodbye for good. i can always go back, if my priorities shift again. it's not like i can't get another job either. i've had the opportunity to form wonderful contacts during my stay, and they've been more than willing to set me up with something once i have the chance.

it just sortofakinda fricking bites, is all.

and the heart goes, is it what you really wanted? how do you feel about this?

and i'm all, well. ya gotta do what ya gotta do. i've made my choice. there are some things more important than my job at the mo. and i'm not going to look back at this point in my life with regrets, because i know from the bottom of my gut that i'm doing the right thing this time around.

***

good night, sweetness, i can only take no so many times.

ahhh, slider, you old devil. what are you doing muddling up these waters?

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* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 9/08/2005 07:55:00 AM