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with any luck, by next year
i'll be going out with one of these girls...
but for now, let me say,
without hope or agenda,
just because it's christmas -
(and at christmas, you tell the truth)
TO ME, YOU ARE PERFECT
and my twisted heart will love you
until you look like this
...boy shows picture of shrivelled-up mummy...
merry christmas.
...boy walks off...
enough.
enough now.
love actually
Friday, April 23, 2004
take It, for example. (please?)
It stalks about, all bluster and swagger, like a strange and demented anti-claus on a mission to make everyone's life more difficult than it has to be. It looms behind Its chosen victim, appearing from nowhere (more secret alien powers, i suspect) and just STANDS THERE, looking over one's shoulder, watching one's every move.
It would almost be considered creepy if It wasn't so damned in-your-face annoying.
***
no food. no surfing the net. no instant messaging. no games (not even solitaire). no cellphones. NO BOOKS! no reading. no paint. no mediaplayer. no soothing music playing in the background.
no wonder people are burning out.
stupid white fat fuck. i hope It gets Its comeuppance. SOON.
no matter. am young, pretty, and people love me. while It? It's just the dickwad running things around the office. pthththththt.
***
i have nothing against people with hearing disabilities. really, i don't. the way i see it, them's the breaks they were unfortunate enough to get, so huzzah to those with the strength and fortitude to deal.
but really. they shouldn't be allowed to answer the phone. talk about an exercise in futility for everyone involved.
then again, how did they know it was ringing in the first place? hmm. curious.
***
favorite word of the week: hindot. :)
that DOES mean flirt, right? cause it sounds like it means something else.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
happy birthday, p. you're missed much.
***
BISAYAS RULE. just before leaving for work the night before, i asked my maid to run up to my room and grab me a box of joss from on top of my ref. she returns a few minutes later, with a carton of cyprina dark grape juice in hand.
***
am a (grand)mommy!!! little baby raya now a mommy. again, somebody PLEASE teach me how to host so i can post pics when i get the chance!!!
Thursday, April 15, 2004
oh, yes.
he WILL be mine.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
the chuck you knew was from another life. she was another girl. do you understand? that's not who i am. not anymore. so, go on. live happily ever after with your chosen. it no longer concerns me. people get over disappointment. in christ's words, it is done.
summertime. leaving is easy. so is forgetting.
and if in the next life, we do meet again, as cats, or whatever, and we recognize each other somehow, well, then, we take it from there.
if.
***
congrats to sanitylane. :D we know you're happy.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
***
happy easter sunday everyone!
Thursday, April 08, 2004
he was nice. and funny. and smart. and witty. and oh so charming. everyone loved him. that boy had so much people-skills he sparkled.
he was a friend. a good friend. the kind you could tell anything to, and you wouldn't feel awkward or strange, because you knew that even if he didn't understand, he was cool with everything. that was the kind of person he was.
one day, he had to leave cause he didn't want to stay around anymore.
and people were shocked. they were sad, too, but mostly, they couldn't believe he took off just like that.
and even though he was a friend, i didn't cry when i heard he had gone. i still haven't. it's been, what, around 10 months or so?
sometimes, though, i think about him. about the boy he was, about the boy i knew, about the friend i had.
and i miss him.
but i still can't cry.
buddy guy
***
"People are in too big of a hurry these days. They lose stuff all the time. Others just don't take the time to look down." (Lee, oh no, the blog!)
***
i feel detached. like my life is happening, but not to me. like i'm watching it from somewhere else.
i found my junior highschool diary a few days back while looking for my copy of scarlett. it was buried underneath a pile of old stories, and when i opened it, the dust that covered it coated the tips of my fingers, turning them ashy grey. i squatted on the ground, opened the hardbound book, and read about 12/13 year-old chuck's life.
(remember james, rits? i haven't thought about him, not for the longest time. but he was there. stop laughing. i'm still cringing.)
the word bizarre doesn't even come close. at the back of my mind, i'm going, this isn't me. this couldn't have been real.
but of course it was. and i'm wondering, what would the chuck 10/15 years from now be thinking about present-day chuck?
i think i have to get some sleep.
***
i'm 15 for a moment caught in between 10 and 20 and i'm just dreaming counting the ways to where you are i'm 22 for a moment she feels better than ever and we're on fire making our way back from mars 15 there's still time for you time to buy and time to lose 15 there's never a wish better than this when you only got 100 years to live i'm 33 for a moment still the man, but you see over there a kid on the way a family on my mind i'm 45 for a moment the sea is high and i'm heading into a crisis chasing the years of my life 15 there's still time for you time to buy time to lose yourself within a morning star 15 i'm all right with you 15 there's never a wish better than this when you only got 100 years to live half time goes by suddenly you're wise another blink of an eye 67 is gone the sun is getting high we're moving on i'm 99 for a moment dying for just another moment and i'm just dreaming counting the ways to where you are 15 there's still time for you 22 i feel her too 33 you're on your way every day's a new day 15 there's still time for you time to buy and time to choose hey 15 there's never a wish better than this when you only got 100 years to live
five for fighting
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
oh, i'm fine. just peachy. work? oh, it's middling, neither exceptionally good nor bad. how was my day? *laughs* you mean my night, don't you? it was actually funny. i have the most interesting kwento...
sometimes it's nice to be asked.
***
thanks to the, uh... badj for the quizythingermajigger. :)
chuck was
a Wild Musician
in a past life.
certainly explains my absolute lack of musical skills, huh?
***
my right eye is painful. it is red. it is tearing like a mofo. i do not like this, not one bit. because it means i can not wear my contacts. and if i can not wear my contacts, i can not drive. and if i can not drive, it means that daddy's little girl has to be driven to work and picked up like a little kingergarten-er, with her hair oh-so-neatly-pigtailed, her schoolbag in one hand and lunchbox in the other. and because daddy's little girl is hatid sundo, that means she has to go to work early, because there is no way daddy will bring her there past his bedtime. and because she has to go to work early, it means SHE HAS TO WAKE UP EARLY.
all because of my stupid stupid right eye.
and, of course, nothing beats the explanation of the nurse when i asked her what was wrong with it. ah, namumula yung mata mo kasi mainit ang panahon.
RIGHT.
the company is being overtaken by geniuses. this is just too much.
Monday, April 05, 2004
the right time to roll to me
the right time to roll to me
del amitri
booze.
booooooze. dagnabbit, woulda been so tempting to ask for that beer, that shot of kurant.
had water instead. and had no problems about that, too. it was frigging amazing, it was.
i'm good.
***
i still have a bottle of tequila left in the freezer. almost consumed, there's about two inches left of pretty gold liquid inside.
the rum and the lambanog, i poured down the drain weeks ago. as with the last couple of cans of beer. it was more symbolic than it was about getting rid of the temptation, i think.
but the tequila, i will keep. no partick reason, i just need a reminder, of what happened, why it happened, and the promise i made and must keep.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
(sorry, rits, you know how my sense of humor goes)
"Please patronize pirated Filipino VCDs and DVDs so that the movie industry will die and we will no longer have actors and actresses running for public office".
***
speaking of politics, you know what i found out last friday?
for every p200 in interest you get from your bank (some of them, anyhoo, i'm talking about a coconut bank here), the government's going to take away p1, leaving you with p199 of your very own hard-earned money. for what, you may ask? oh, for some sort of document stamp or whatever (i'm not entirely sure, my mom couldn't explain it properly to me cause i was too busy cussing out the government at the top of my nicotine-tainted lungs. stealing bastards all!!!). per presidential order.
WTF?!? they're taking away my money? aren't they taking ENOUGH? and what are they giving back? what? WHAT? i would like to know, because I JUST DON'T FUCKING SEE IT. there are still potholes in the roads, poor people begging everywhere, and the national debt is still at a gajillion dollars. the price of gasoline's going up next week (just a thought, when erap was still president, everytime the price of gas went up, people held protests left and right. under this current administration, the price of gas has gone up at least thrice during the past year. where are the protesters?!?) too. so much money flying away, where's it going, if not back to taxpayer?
oh, wait, it's campaign season. riiiiiiiiiight. sillywilly me. hey, if you think about it, politicians are taxpapers too, right? so why shouldn't the money go back to them? *bats lashes in a sickening simpering manner*
okay, so i'm still in my happy place (see earlier post). and i love my country, i really ever-so-truly do. but this is enough to make me want to pack up my bags and leave. will prolly beg wiff to stuff me in his suitcase and take me with if he does.
ah, who am i kidding? i was born in this country, and i WILL live and die here. it's just fucking sad, our politics.
one thing's for sure. i'm not voting k4. you can say what you want, but i don't give a flying shit. gma has left a bad taste in my mouth and a burning hole in my family's pocket. screw them all.
don't need what money can buy
birds in the trees sing their day full of song
why shouldn't we sing along?
i'm chipper all the day, happy with my lot
how do i get that way?
look at what i've got
i got rhythm, i got music
i got my man
who could ask for anything more?
i got daisies in green pastures
i got my man
who could ask for anything more?
old man trouble, i don't mind him
you won't find him 'round my door
i got starlight, i got sweet dreams
i got my man
who could ask for anything more?
ella fitzgerald
***
today i woke up cranky. you would too, if you lived for the fact that your weekends are the only time you have to sleep properly, like the way you used to, and something disrupts that. however, duty called, and i answered. no biggy, but of course, i grumbled.
we make it home just in time to pick daddy up to go to church (happy palm sunday!!!). realize that mass wasn't going to be held inside the chapel, in english, by the indian priest who normally comes by. oh no. this palm-waving mass was different. it was preceded by a little procession, and was presented by a priest (who i expect comes from a charismatic group, which would certainly explain all the praying overs and the amens and the whatnot) who conducted the mass in tagalog.
and while i was thinking which was the lesser of the two evils -an english mass by an indian priest with an accent so thick he might as well have been babbling in another language for all i understood, or a tagalog mass by a filipino priest who i couldn't understand anyway, period - something very amazing happened to me.
i realized i was content. with my life, i mean.
oh, sure, i got my little angals and all. who doesn't? angst is like tabasco. a dash and a half makes it all so spicy, so interesting, so dramatic. too much, and it's fucked up. gotta have the angst, yessirree, but just a bit.
but when i analyze things, i mean, REALLY look at everything from a different view, it hits me, hey, i've got it good. really fantastically good. i've got the shit that counts - family, friends, beloveds, sanity, yadda yadda yadda. i have, in quantity and quality, the things that truly matter.
so what if i'm not saving the world (or this country's economy) with my less-than-fabulous job? so what if i could stand to lose *number deleted* pounds? so what if i don't look like what beauty magazines say is the ideal? so what if i'm not a girlygirl? so what if i'm not as grown up as i should be? so what if my ultimate mr. what-if is (and has always been, i think) mr. never-will-be? so what if i'm not like one of those girls who appear to have it all together? so what if i'm not great, not perfect, not the poo? so fucking what?
I'LL GET OVER IT. the little voice inside of me that barely speaks up, the part that always makes sense, says so, and i believe that voice. i'll get over what i do not and can not have, because it's okay. life compensates for what it takes away from or denies you.
i am me. i have what i have. it'll do, baby. it'll do.