<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v191/tsaki/523f197b.bmp">

i'm having a very strange feeling of deja vu. like i've been here before, around the same time last year too, for pretty much the same reasons.

what goes around, comes around.

***

emotional vampire seriously draining me of happy happy joy joy feelings. i was having a perfectly good time with the alcoholics when he fricking calls and reminds me of my responsibilities as a member.

remind me never to answer the phone again when he calls. if it's really THAT important, he can text. and if i don't feel like replying, nothing on god's green earth can make me.

star says it's borne of insecurity, and (not to be bitchy) i can see why - e.v.'s made kwento about his poor api days when everyone picked on him enough times. but, honestly, that's no reason to bring other people down just to make himself look good. i mean, take the alcoholics - former geeks all, and better people for it. (in the words of toosh, we may drink like the sloshed wastrels that we are, but we really do have fully-functional brains buried somewhere underneath the booze.) do any of them carry the baggage of being a geek and take it out on the others? hell, no. do you know why? because they're beyond that.

emotional vampire's got a good heart - somewhere. i'm just too annoyed at him right now to go looking for it.

***

blogging's cathartic. is nice. i likee much.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/27/2004 03:59:00 PM

...hello, darkness, my old friend
i've come to talk with you again...

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/27/2004 02:13:00 PM

Sunday, December 26, 2004

black is the color of my true love's hair his face so soft and wondrous fair the purest eyes and the strongest hands i love the ground on where he stands...

current mood can be summed up nicely by several words. maudlin. morose. bathetic. lachrymose. mawkish. like i just want to curl up in bed with a good jazz cd and a bottle of wine, listen to nina simone singing here comes the sun over and over again, get pumped up with sinnerman or teary-eyed over ne me quitte pas.

i put a spell on you cause you're mine you'd better stop the things you do you know i can't stand it you're running around you know better darling i can't stand it cos you put me down i put a spell on you cause you're mine...i love i love you i love you anyhow and i don't care if you don't want me i'm yours right now you hear me i put a spell on you cause you're mine...

i wish best friend shabs was here to drink with (asshole drinks faster than i do, which is always great fun). there are a hundred and one things going through my mind right now, and he's one of the best people for me to be around with in a mood such as this cause he just listens and drinks with me, inserting the occassional opinion now and then. i miss our talks and our lasingans and the way we see the world when we're together. last time i saw him was last month, a couple of days before my birthday, when we hung at city jam and he gave me a bruise on my arm just to see if i bruised easy for airball (i eventually got back at him when i clawed his arm). that was a good night. it started out with me being in one of my emotional snits, and with him driving all the way from the south to be with me. how much more solid could you get, right?

funny thing is, i hardly ever see him. we hardly ever talk these days. and we've grown up, apart, over the past couple of years - we weren't the same kids we used to be in grade school and junior high, when he used to play softball with a dead frog in the field in front of our classroom.

but he still knows me better than anyone does, with the exception of the heart. he's still one of the few rare people who sees right through my effusive justifications and palusots and gaily-wrapped words of denial, and goes straight to the point. even if i don't have to words to explain how i'm feeling at a particular moment, he helps me express myself, see the problem for what it really is, and bring me to the point wherein i'm finally able to cry about it. of course he always looks uncomfortable whenever i get all emotional and girly and stuff, but he'll stay there to awkwardly pat me on the shoulder, going, "there, there." before ordering me a beer and racing me to the bottom of the bottle.

sometimes you miss certain people very sharply out of the blue, and it hits you full on with the force of an overspeeding dumptruck that's lost its breaks.

***

Ne me quitte pas Il faut oublier Tout peut s'oublier Qui s'enfuit déjà Oublier le temps Des malentendus Et le temps perdu A savoir comment Oublier ces heures Qui tuaient parfois A coups de pourquoi Le coeur du bonheur Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Moi je t'offrirai Des perles de pluie Venues de pays Oÿ il ne pleut pas Je creuserai la terre Jusqu'après ma mort Pour couvrir ton corps D'or et de lumière Je ferai un domaine Oÿ l'amour sera roi Oÿ l'amour sera loi Oÿ tu seras reine Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Je t'inventerai Des mots insensés Que tu comprendras Je te parlerai De ces amants-là Qui ont vu deux fois Leurs coeurs s'embraser Je te raconterai L'histoire de ce roi Mort de n'avoir pas Pu te rencontrer Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas On a vu souvent Rejaillir le feu De l'ancien volcan Qu'on croyait trop vieux Il est paraät-il Des terres brulées Donnant plus de blé Qu'un meilleur avril Et quand vient le soir Pour qu'un ciel flamboie Le rouge et le noir Ne s'épousent-ils pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Je ne vais plus pleurer Je ne vais plus parler Je me cacherai là A te regarder Danser et sourire Et à t'écouter Chanter et puis rire Laisse-moi devenir L'ombre de ton ombre L'ombre de ta main L'ombre de ton chien Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas Ne me quitte pas

just in case you're going wtf, i'd like to introduce you kids to the english translation of one of the most depressing songs ever.

don't leave me we must forget all we can forget all we did till now let's forget the cost of the breath we've spent saying words unmeant and the times we've lost hours that must destroy never knowing why everything must die at the heart of joy don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me i'll bring back to you the pearls of rain from a distant domain where rain never fell and though i grow old i'll keep mining the ground to deck you around in gold and light i'll build you a domain where love's everything where love is king and you are queen don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me for you i'll invent words and what they meant only you will know tales of lovers who fell apart and then fell in love again there's a story too that i can confide of that king who died from not meeting you don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me and often it's true that flames spill anew from ancient volcanos we thought were too old when all's said and done scorched fields of defeat could give us more wheat than the fine april sun and when evening is nigh with flames overhead the black and the red aren't they joined in the sky don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me i will cry no more i will talk no more hide myself to look at you and see you dance and smile and hear you sing and laugh let me be for you the shadow of your shadow the shadow of your hand the shadow of your dog don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/26/2004 09:02:00 PM

to kinder gods & fiercer loves, to brief jealousies & even shorter griefs, to wine, to tea, to sunsets & coffee, to family, friends & country...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

-the exquisite one

***

sorry, miz xkwzt, had to steal it for posterity's sake. ;)

***
hope you and your loved ones had a beautiful christmas day. here's to the upcoming year!

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/26/2004 07:52:00 PM

...in another life, when we are both cats.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/26/2004 07:41:00 PM

Thursday, December 23, 2004

*with head hung, scuffing sheepishly at the floor*

turns out the godfather had a legit reason for asking if i was stable after all.

there should be a law against having PMS during the holiday season.

speaking of (the holiday season, not PMS), here's hoping you and yours have the best Christmas ever. have a merry merry christmas and a wonderful new year!

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/23/2004 09:51:00 PM

so the godfather asks if i was still as wild as i used to be, or if my head was in a nice stable place now. and it pissed me out in the most irritating kind of way, because i remembered having a slight argument with him about another girl, about how i thought it was important to allow a person to make his/her own mistakes, when out of the blue, he says, look, patapon ang buhay nya. i'm not judging her, i just don't want her to do that. look at you - you had a past, and i'm not judging you for that, right?

uh, right. except that my past was something i never brought up with him, and he had absolutely no business in prying.

don't get me wrong. the godfather is a good friend, faults and all. but i don't need to justify myself to him, or to anyone else for that matter.

so i replied, my head is exactly where i want it to be, thank you very much.

i mean, c'mon. i've lived a fairly sedentary life as of late - much to the consternation of those who knew me then. don't throw back the wildchild in my face. especially if there's no reason to.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/23/2004 06:07:00 PM

Friday, December 17, 2004

the boy has been making his presence felt quite a lot lately. it's nice, albeit a bit strange. where are you? who're you with? what time are you going home? can we talk? if this had happened before, i would so be over the moon, but at the moment, the only emotion i can muster regarding this recent turn of events is slight bemusement. oh, sure, i flipped my hair several times over, but it's not the same sort of kilig this kind of behaviour would have warranted in the past.

two words?

friend zone.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/17/2004 07:24:00 PM

Thursday, December 16, 2004

am out. ingat paguwi. *smiley face*

ack. i am so going to hell. but i'll be doing it with a big stupid grin on my face.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/16/2004 09:40:00 PM

Monday, December 13, 2004

a girl's got to have her secrets. she really does.

there's something very delicious about knowing something no one else does.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/13/2004 06:26:00 PM

Saturday, December 04, 2004

if someone would have told me before that my life now would be composed of work, work, and more work, i would have laughed myself silly.

but i'm not really laughing anymore.

work. ahhh. where do i find the words? i still enjoy it, yknow? i do, i really do. i get paid a decent (not enough to support my capriciousness and my vices, but it'll do) wage, i don't have to dress like a grown up, and it's an honest living. plus i have an amazing boss and a pretty awesome team to work with. if you really think about it, it's like i'm getting paid to hang out, as long as i get stuff done.

it's just that, lately, it's occured to me (actually, this has been going on for a pretty long time now) how it's totally taken over my life. and i mean totally. this is the first saturday in quite a bit that i actually had the chance to just stay in bed the whole day and do nothing. it unnerved me, and by around 4pm this afternoon, i was frothing at the mouth, looking for something to do. i thought about going to the office to work on my spreadsheets some more, but i came to my senses in time.

the thing is, this isn't me. my dad was a workaholic when i was younger, and i used to think, no way would i become something like that. when everyone was talking about their yuppie dreams of working in makati, i was thinking how interesting it would be to open a bar that served cheap beer, played a mean rock, and banned yuppies from setting foot inside. like i've said many times over, responsibility and the chuck do not mix. i was a non-michael jackson peter pan. i was never growing up. if i had to spend the rest of my life an irresponsible and carefree chit of a girl who lived to cater her every whim, that was perfectly fine by me.

then, little by little, i changed. didn't really notice it at the time. sure, i would blow off inumans because i had work. big whoop. i'd tell me friends, work pays me. do you? it wasn't even about the money (although, yes, i likee the money very much, thanks). it was about the fact that i had to be somewhere doing something, so my personal life had to take a backseat for the moment.

seems like that's been happening for a long time. i can't even remember the last time i had a vacation. i'm talking about an honest-to-goodness vacay, where my mind can just go blank and i can go back to being the to-hell-with-consequences person i used to be, and not think about work.

but no. i got shit to answer for now.

fricking responsibilities.

***

happy birthday to the pest and to my sister. love you both, for entirely different reasons.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 12/04/2004 08:56:00 PM