<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v191/tsaki/523f197b.bmp">

here's to your strength. to your heart. to the class with which you've carried yourself. to the cojones you've shown when you decided to face the world and say, eff you all, this is who i am, i won't deny myself any longer, so deal with it.

i'm so proud of you, my lesfriend.

oh so very proud.

here's to you.

kampai, hun!

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 7/23/2008 09:33:00 PM

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Got up early, found something's missing...my only name. No one else sees but I got stuck, and soon forever came. Stopped pushing on for just a second, then nothing's changed. Who am I this time? Where's my name? I guess it crept away. No one's calling for me at the door. And unpredictable won't bother anymore. And silently gets harder to ignore. Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see. What's done is done, this life has got its hold on me. Just let it go, what now can never be. I forgot that I might see so many beautful things. I forgot that I might need to find out what life could bring. Take this happy ending away, it's all the same. God won't waste this simplicity on possibility..Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling this trace of blame. Frozen still I thought I could stop. Now who's gonna wait? No one's calling for me at the door...Now what do I do? Can I change my mind? Did I think things through? It was once my life - it was my life at one time.

Beautiful Things

***

so i was driving in the rain, headed towards a possibility of a new opportunity a while ago, right?

and i was thinking of the quote from books of magic. about how places are like people. about how they don't tell you how they've changed. one day everything's good, and the next day, they've gone all wonky, and you think, should i even bother?

and i once again, i asked myself if i was giving up or letting go.

seriously? for a moment it felt like i was cheating. like i wasn't able to give something my full commitment. funny words, i know, considering i used to have such a b!tch of a time settling down. but really. it felt wrong, somehow.

and i remembered reading an article about how one of the biggest mistakes a person or a business could make was holding on to something no longer worth it just because of the initial investment. because you were there from the very start, because you've invested so much of your effing heart in the venture. but then again, it got me wondering - when is it right to fight for something? to stick it out, to see if it's worth it in the long run?

i just don't know anymore.

(and therein lies my problem, really. this whole letting go cr@p.

so here it is now. the possibility of exploring something beyond what i know. hoping with everything that i have that the beautiful thing lies out there somewhere.

we shall see.

***

you can't always tell where you are. you can be somewhere you think you've been a thousand times before, and still be truly lost. they're a lot like people, places are. they change...but they're not really likely to warn you first. or tell you how they've changed. or why.

i've really had enough of this. it doesn't seem to matter what i do...or what i undo either. everytime i try to leave that stupid island, i do something wrong...and i wind up shipwrecked here.

so i go back.

i've got to, don't i? to start over. to build my raft again.

but it gives me such a weird sad feeling, undoing does...

everytime.

like i've just thrown part of my life away.

like a little piece of me has turned to stone.

tim hunter
the books of magic: reasons to be stone
john ney rieber

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 7/15/2008 04:39:00 AM

Saturday, July 12, 2008

the boy sends out a message, and it's not good. the girl runs to him and, in her usual demanding (and almost bullying) fashion, asks him what the hell is up.

and the boy talks.

and the girl listens.

the boy stops talking, buries his face in his hands, and weeps.

the girl hugs him.

she's tempted to tell him off, tell him he's being retarded, and she knows that she will. but now is not the time. so she asks him questions instead, gets him to talk, gets him to do something other than cry &/or stare blankly into space. anything to help him see things from a clearer and less-totally-fuzzed-out-by-pain perspective. she knows what it's like, see, to be so caught up in the moment that nothing else seems real except for the godawful shredding of the heart. she remembers those who were there for her when she fell apart, and now, she tries to pay a little of that forward and be there for the boy.

days pass. out of cariño brutal, the girl alternates between stealing his sweets and checking up on him. she regales him with stories about her soap-opera life and plays consintidor (even though he's being less than brilliant). she also eventually gives him a piece of her mind and tells him he's not being too smart, but the thing is, she loves him and will always support him, and he knows it.

then one day the girl gets pissy. she rants to the boy. this time, the boy tries to make her see things from another perspective. the girl scowls and says something to the effect of, "why are you boys so goddamned stupid?" she's generalizing, of course, and the boy realizes that. he laughs at her and tells her that it will pass, that the target of her ire will eventually go away.

and it did. somewhat. things pass, after all. problems pass, and inevitably, new ones will come along. but friendship is friendship.

s'long as you're lucky enough to have people who love you there to watch your back, you'll do fine.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 7/12/2008 01:13:00 AM

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

oh.

how far we have fallen.

how different everything is.

and if my heart could bleed, if there was something substantial left, i'm sure it would. cos i'm a marshmallow like that.

but you brought this on yourself, really.

and i could support you. be your friend. always be your friend. could i turn my back on you? no. could i sympathize with your confusion?

well.

that would be a "no" as well.

i really do wish you all the best.

but my oh my.

how far we have fallen.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 7/09/2008 01:58:00 AM

Monday, July 07, 2008

patrickstar broke my blog!!!!

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 7/07/2008 11:45:00 PM

okay.

i'm back.

a whole lot of things have changed over the past year and a half. cried a whole lot around 3-4 months ago, found my way back to fine, racked up monster phone and credit card bills, and i'm doing peachier now. things are interesting, with the exception of my singular source of istreys (i'll give you a clue - two words, the first of which starts with an "m" and the second ends with an "s").

the former bf and i are okay now. i think. back to friends, although there's an interesting story there. the new bf and i are great too, although there are potential roadblocks. but like i told myself when i got into this, let's see where this takes me. i'd like to enjoy the ride first.

i should be dropping by more often for more stories. but this is it for now. till next time.

and yes.

i missed this.

* tsakiwaki made kwento @ 7/07/2008 10:11:00 PM